A few months back there was a month where I didn’t participate in the Golden Vlog. But the questions asked have stuck with me. It was all about your biggest insecurity. And since then, I’ve been thinking about that, and thinking that I still wanted to share what was happening in my heart and in my head when I thought about it.

But I don’t want to write about it. I don’t want to publish this. I don’t want you to think less of me. Because, you see, my insecurity is different than a lot of ones I’ve heard about from friends and family members. I feel terrified right now as I type this, because I think you might not like me anymore But, well, here goes:

My biggest insecurity is that I don’t often feel insecure.

And this is when you think I’m writing some funny, sarcastic parody of an insecurities post. But I’m not. This is really my biggest insecurity and I know it’s weird. But it’s mine. And I’m here to own it. And hope that maybe, just maybe, someone can relate.

You see, I’ve always had good self-esteem, and I’ve always genuinely liked myself. This is not to say that I don’t have bad days. I have those days, just like any one else, when I feel like my hair’s not straight enough, like my body isn’t thin enough, like I’m a failure as a mother and wife, or when I say or do something embarrassing. I have these days, these moments, but I am able to brush them off fairly quickly, and go on with my day, with my life, and not dwell on them. Ask me about my most embarrassing moment and I won’t be able to tell you a single one. Ask me what I dislike most about myself, and I’ll have to think about it before I can answer it, at all.

You know that scene in Mean Girls when all the girls start tearing themselves apart and then look to Cady to do the same? Sometimes when I’m spending time with other women I feel the same that Cady seems to in that instant. Like, ummmm, my socks don’t always match? (Except they totally do because I’m OCD like that so….) And then, even though I’m not insecure… I start to feel insecure. I start to fidget and get uncomfortable.

I don’t enjoy tearing myself down. I don’t enjoy feeling awkward and like I can’t join the conversation. And I don’t enjoy when others tear themselves down. All around it’s a lose-lose situation.

I do love to talk to others about their experiences and their vulnerabilities, and how they’re feeling. I love sharing our hearts with each other, and if we’re having a genuine conversation, I will share what I’m feeling at that moment. Maybe it will be that I’m having a bad hair day. Maybe it will be that last night was really hard because Eliza woke up 5 times. Maybe it will be that my house is just a mess right now (er, always). Maybe it will be that my heart’s still a little broken from past experiences. Maybe it will be that I haven’t spent as much time with my scriptures as I should have.

I always have things to improve on, I always have goals to reach, I always have something to share.

But overall, I don’t have a big glaring insecurity that haunts me day-to-day.

And that’s ok. And it’s ok that now you know it, too.

(PS, I wrote a post that talks about this a little bit last summer, if you’d like to read it.)