I’ve been wanting and needing to write this post for two weeks now, and I’m still not sure how to do it. When a friend takes their life, what do you say? How do you begin? What words do you say? What direction do you take? What tone do you use? This is hard to write.
But let’s start with this; telling you that this fall will mark 20 years since I met my best friend Dani.
I’ve had many best friends in my life, but we have literally been best friends since we met. We haven’t grown apart. We haven’t stopped seeing each other. We are still best friends. And I want to tell you that Dani is one of the smartest, funniest, most creative people I know. She is also one of the strongest.
In her almost 30 years of life she’s been through tragic events such as mental health diagnoses, divorce, her dad having a stroke that nearly killed him, her sister attempting suicide twice, the hospitalization and near death of her husband due to his chronic Crohn’s Disease just days after the birth of their first child, severe preeclampsia during her second pregnancy, her mom being diagnosed with and dying of cancer.
And now, losing her husband to suicide.
Because, you see, on March 23, 2019, Denny Bates took his life.
And this matters. It should matter to you, even if you didn’t know Denny, because no one should ever feel so alone that they think that their friends and family will be better off without them. This is not true, not even a little bit.
Denny was one of the greatest people I have ever met. He was funny and tough and rough and sarcastic and told it how it is. He healed Dani and she healed him. They were literally the perfect match, and he was her happy ending. Her rock, her support, her best friend, her partner. But his inner demons grabbed a hold of him and wouldn’t let him go, wouldn’t let him see how much his wife and family loved and needed him.
And now he’s gone.
We miss him dearly, and we know we’ll see him again, but right now we’re picking up the pieces.
Especially Dani.
Her reality is now this: raising two young daughters on her own (ages 3 and 11 months), finding a job and providing for their family, making all the decisions on her own, helping two babies process their own grief while wading through her own. Now she is alone.
But it leaves a very, very large hole.
Depression and anxiety can create such deep, dark places. Too many of us have been there. Too many of us have experienced that hopelessness and despair. But Dani’s message – my message – is that taking your life will not make the world a better place. It will only create chaos and confusion for those you love. Because they love you. And they need you.
Please, please remember that, in the words of one of my favorite songs:
“Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
When you’re broken on the ground
You will be found…
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.”
You are not alone. Remember that.
Know that you are valuable and needed and loved and wanted.
You matter.
If you’re able, please consider donating to Dani via her GoFundMe or directly via her Venmo handle @DaniEBates.
And follow along with her on social media (Facebook and Instagram) as she shares her reality and raises awareness of suicide prevention.
I hope we can all remember to be kind to all of those around us, because we don’t know what kind of battles they are fighting, what demons they are facing. Let’s be kind.
